I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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