ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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