I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
