You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
