I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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