I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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