this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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