Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
