Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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