i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
