I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I intend to get homeless drunk
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
