What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
