Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
What drink are we having for lunch?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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