I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
