We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
