apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
