Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Too much gin, very little bucket
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
