so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize