ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
