Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
My butt remains clenched, sir.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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