the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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