Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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