I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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