I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize