I like my sex mixed with concussions.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
