remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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