he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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