Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
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