Umm I'm too high to move.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
