My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
