Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
