You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
