i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
