Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
