I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I cannot find my penis.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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