Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Randomize
