You're completely useless in the revolution.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just gift wrapped bread.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
birth control should be required to get into college
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
