I skipped work to stalk him.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
