You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I need to stop coming to work sober
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Randomize
