I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
