there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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