Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
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