HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
