New invention idea: vibrating tampons
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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