no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
