First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
