I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
