Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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