Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
