in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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