Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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