If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
