Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
