Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
