so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
it hurts more in the daytime
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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