You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
