She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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