I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
